trippy shit

I had such a bad nightmare at the end of my sleep today i can't concentrate on work until i get it out....

Of course it was a whole long involved epic, but at the end it started raining really hard. My little brother had to spend the night in hospital and carmen and my mother were going to spend the night there too. I dropped them off at the hospital and went to buy some cigarrettes, and this boy starting flirting with me. He came home with me ~ literally for coffee LOL ~ and we were looking out our kitchen window when i saw my mother, looking rosy cheeked and fiddling with the plants. She turned to me, waved goodbye and walked away.

I thought about it for a while and realized my mom had died in the hospital and had come to say goodbye.

Needless to say i wsa very freaked out when i woke up!

ok there its off my chest****

Kie on the importance of random acts of kindness...

Not to toot my own trumpet but I am usually a pretty nice person. I let people in when stuck in traffic, i smile at people, i am always nice to waiters and i don't use my hooter unless its to avoid an accident. Yesterday i had a profound experience at the grocery store... I realize now, I have completely underestimated how much of an effect i feel from doing nice things for others. And how awful the world really can be...

I don't know - maybe i am too tired to articulate properly. Yeah actually thats exactly it but i am going to keep writing anyway (:P).

So i was in my usual mad rush, 5 million places to be and at least 50 unchecked items on the grand list of things to do that day... i ran back to get some onions and as the clerk was weighing and bagging them i saw a man in a wheelchair, maybe cerebal palsy (sp?) having a light seizure. His few groceries where falling everywhere while he tried to get control of his body, everyone was just walking by and pretending not to notice... oblivious! Not even the store manager, standing right beside him (!) was helping!

I have felt too embarrased to tell anyone, but you know ~ my blog is different.

I helped him pick up his groceries, perched them back on his lap, smiled big and blushed and asked him if he was ok. He gave me this huge smile and said yes. By then my groceries were through the checkout and they were waiting on the onions while watching. I jogged back, paid for the groceries and left.

I felt so good for the rest of the day ~ and even felt the ripples of it today.

A few days earlier i drove past another man in a wheelchair, struggling up a really steep hill. It was peak traffic time and chaotic drivers were just speeding past. I thought 'i really want to stop and push him up that hill', but i didnt. I kept it in the back of my mind and am so stoked that i did in some small way get to do something really nice and unexpected for someone.

Peace ***

How is this possible?

forgive shitty paragraph structure and nonsensical thought processes ~ i dont sleep much anymore

My poor mom is so sick. We took her to the doctor today to get the fluid that is collecting in her liver drained. Nearly 3 litres of green fluid was drained from her body.

She has stopped throwing up at least and is managing to eat some...

But now we have a curious development... she's become really anxious. We had a huge shouting match this evening.. for no reason... i've never seen anything like it.

Amazing how each phase of this whole cancer experience is worse than before.

So many times we have thought ~ wow it cant possibly get any worse. How can one human being possibly get any sicker than this. How can one human being suffer any more than this?

The universe suprises me yet again***

Turbo Vent

Seeing as i have all of five minutes to myself i must vent.

Just some of the things that are pissing me off:

- everything i do is wrong, no matter how hard i try
- my house is a circus show at the moment.
- even tho we supposedly have 'help' , all it means is that i have more people to cook for, clean up after and micro manage.
- suddenly i have been replaced.
- mom is really sick
- school is about to start and that means 6am wakeup calls as of monday
- "we" have a school project that was only given to me today. This of course means i will have to work extra hard to get it done on time GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
- i am completely unappreciated.
- no matter how hard i work, plan and organize, at least 50 things go wrong each day.
- one of my major clients is being a total KNOB
- i have lost all control in the home now, i am just the unpaid servant.
- not only do i now have more work on ALL fronts, I'm getting NO recognition for anything i do or have done.
- friends are scarce when times are tough
- moms friends managed to have a right old piss up here... all afternoon and evening. GREAT.
- dinner was ruined because of said piss up.
- its just after 1 in the morning and i feel to guilty to stay awake and work, and too guilty to go to bed.
- i've managed to complete 2/10 articles today.
- this makes me poor AND useless.

Which i already was anyway so i guess it doesnt matter.

Aint life great.

these tired fingers dont have much left to give

I haven't had much time of my own in the last few weeks, months or years,. There;s always something to be done. I've started feeling sorry for myself, wishing the kids would help out more, but i suppose they arent realizing what is going on here. How do you tell them>>??

Shame my heart breaks when i look at my mom, once so strong and now so weakened. She asked me tonight "what kind of a life is this?" as she had just thrown up all the bits and pieces we managed to get in. I wish i could take all her pain and suffering from her. Make her life easier, fill it with some sunshine and joy.

I've been choking back my tears for too long now. THey are bound to slip out soon....

FOr now i must keep it together, prioritize, and find someone to cuddle me stukkend :)

**peace**

Dinner for One....

Two nights in a row now i have been completely alone. My mom is in the hospital, little Mr T is away on sports camp and sister is staying at dads house. It's soooooo strange! I haven't been alone since varsity. I am completely freaked out by all this silence and free time!!!!

I know there are at least 5 thousand things i could be doing to use this time productively. i've been invited to parties and weddings this weekend and am shrugging it all off. I don't even have the energy to arrange myself a booty call while i can!

i'm in my blogging mood...

Whenever i am feeling blue i get an urge to blog. No wonder this blog is such a splotchy mess!

Actually maybe i can identify with its inherently tragic nature.

Wow life is pretty hectic in my world at the moment. My mom is so sick now it's really hard to watch. I'm starting to feel really, freakishly alone. I'm sure its normal considering my situations at the moment but that is of little comfort as i choke back tears and maintain a brave exterior.

I have so much to do and i can suddenly hear a very loud clock ticking away the moments until we lose our mother.

Maybe the worst part is my little brother and sister. I feel so bad for them that i am constantly overcompensating for mothers slowly decreasing presence. They are scared, I am scared, and my mom is scared. Scared that we don't have much time left.

I guess its all beyond words really, which is why i don't even try to articulate these thoughts to real people :P But damnit i am looking forward to the next time i can make it to my cosy little bar!

Anyway. 5 million things to do and of course nowhere near enough time to do them all***

OK admittedly been terrible about posting despite best intentions. I was so stoked about the new, rambly direction I was going to push my blog toward and then just completely lost a few weeks while i try to juggle all these duties. Right now I have about 2 hours all to myself! The kids are at their father, gal pal who is staying with me has a function and my mom is sleeping. It's strange but i spend so much time i wishing i had more time , i ending up wasting my time.

There are about 5 million productive things i SHOULD be doing right now. Catching up some work and helping my bank account grow should be top priority. Just can't face the thought of actually concentrating! The house is pigsty, my room doesnt have a surface left for anything, and everybody has laundry that needs to be done. Plus theres all this admin that needs to get sorted out before my mom gets sicker. I am really starting to STRESS out majorly.

it's a really rainy, cold afternoon... and i'd actually just really like to flippen cuddle.

ok maybe i should try to do some work instead of rambling here LOL!

You would cry too if it happened to you

I've been feeling vey strange of late. Hyper emotional.. which is so unlike me! Usually cool, calm and collected it usually takes an army to anger me. This blind rage started with the "Emma Incident". Shame poor idiot i suppose it's all referred anger that is getting conveniently placed upon her. So many things that should have made me angry throughout my life haven't managed to generate the appropriate amount of GRRRr. I guess I am making up for it now! I still hyperventilate when i think about what Emma has done. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr!

My usually peace loving self is in hiding and there's this monster masquerading around in my body. Suppose it doesn't help that we have a teenager in residence who is going out of his way to be as infuriating as possible!

I am dying for some escape... Longing for the days when I lived on my own and could enjoy as much peace and quiet as I could stomach. *sigh* Or at least the days where I could escape with boy into a different world for a while.

So for now I am teary mess. I miss the boy. *sigh*. I miss the boy so much it hurts. Strange i was moving forward quite nicely for a while. Had some fun, distracted myself. But now I am bored. It's not the end of the world anymore. I don't have the feeling that i will never be ok.

I just miss that arsehole. I miss the comfort and the understanding. I miss the cuddles, oh boy do i miss those cuddles *sigh*. relationships are just so damned comfortable. Like my happy sheepskin boots. They got better and better the more i wore them.. It's going to take forever to find such a comfortable relationship !

i suppose this "missing the boy" crap is brought on the fact that I am writing about WEDDINGS now ! LOL! Me.. super cynical me! is having to write about fluffy wedding dresses and fairytale weddings. Was trying to figure out why this whole experience was leaving me so rattled.... i mean i always said i didnt want a wedding. couldnt imagine anything worse than being the center of attention like that. Suddenly i am wishing i at least had someone who was asking! And, for the first time in my life wondering what i will look like in one!!!

Anyway this isnt a pity party --- despite the title---. There is some hope in the immediate future.. I have a date. With a Very Cute Boy. I'm dreading it but know that i must push myself out of warm,cosy existence to give mr right a chance to find me :)

Hibernation Tales

So with the sudden rainy winter weather i have taken to spending waaaay too much time in bed. I just can't be bothered to get prettied up and go out. Why leave when i have copious blankies and duvets spread out on my beautiful bed. I think it's my favourite place on earth at this point.

Slept for waaay too long last nite. This inevitably leads to five million vivid dreams/nightmares/nightterrors/day terrors. I used to dream about the end of the world.. luckily for the moment this has stopped.

Although they have taken on a new kind of fear... I often dream I am back in grahamstown (or some version thereof) and trying to get home. Something always goes wrong and I am stuck there? Can't remember enough of it now but ended up in a Hitler memorial at university running around trying to find my things (?) . Maybe it had something to do with the super trippy Lost episode i watched last night?

Anyway once again i am supposed to be out and about *sigh* I don't want to leave my warm cacoon though. The thought of washing my hair, squeezing into non-fat pants and going out makes me shiver LOL. Beer with the boys... usually the thought of beer would be enough to set this prettying chain of events up but... damnit it's cold, rainy and miserable.

And I'm loving it from this vantage point!

Note to self: HANGOVERS SUCK

What started out as a pretty tame evening ended at 5:30 this morning as I somehow managed to get home (after getting lost in a strange neighborhood and my cell battery dying!). Not sure why the hangover is so bad this time ~ must have something to do with copious shooters consumed throughout the evening. Definitely very very fun. I just hate the fact that i can only remember bits and pieces of the night - I am sure this means i made a fool of myself (again!).

*sigh* when will i ever learn!?!?!

Woke up feeling like my head was about to split open. Wondering how its possible to feel so stupid and useless. and Eeek ! I haven't managed to do a stitch of work the entire day. Between my blossoming Facebook addiction, my aimless web surfing and copious chick flick watching it's pretty much been a day lost.

Tried to perk myself up with a nice hot soak but after i managed to run myself a bath was unable to do much except lie there, pondering the state of my single-girl legs (unshaved LOL).

How sad. I'm too lazy to do anything but moan and groan.

I'm loving this rain though.. perfect weather to act like a walrus and flop about :)

The Seething Rage and Random moans

I'm feeling muuuch better than the last time I posted (I am not too sick to smoke anymore~ I even managed to get a beer in at the end of last week =)

Pretty much everything is sucking at the moment.

Started with an awful 'Incident' happening with the ex's Crazy crazy sister. (Literally just out of the loony bin !) It's too awful to talk about but I have been like completely crippled with anger since the Incident. Was temporarily considering voodoo type universal redress. I bawled copiously and lamented the loss of an important part of my life (not the crazy b&^*% but the friendship with ex and closeness to his parents.) Anyway its one of those things I am dying to talk about but won't.

i am getting angry about it all over again GRRRRR.

Have been very comforted by thoughts of Karma and universal redress -- she will get what she deserves eventually*

The tragedy is that it has totally spoiled the friendship between me and ex.. which was a major sanity keeper. Am left feeling as though the relationship has ended all over again. He's taking her side in what is clearly a completely ridiculous crazy freakout on her part. *sigh*moan*wails*

I have been shocked at my own capacity to feel anger. I havent felt anger like this in many many years. Anger, sadness, hurt and complete blind rage.

Now this massive torrent of anger has completely thrown me off balance everywhere else. Work is a mess, am clearly not getting along with Major Client and on the verge of rising a middle finger (politely of course).

Am feeling very claustrophobic at home. It isn't fun sharing a house with three other sick people in the best of circumstances. Add in all the factors at play in this mad household and we have recipe for unmitigated grumpiness.

Hopefully it's a temporary funk. Caring Shag Buddy (or something like that) is coming to town on Wednesday. Not sure if we will shag though. Am looking forward to it - we always have fun either way.

Have been having a strange/impossible/unheard of resolution brewing in my head for a while. It all started after I read a thread on a male forum about never marrying a 'shag buddy.' Had a major lightbulb moment. Not that I want to be married (LOL), but it would be nice if some lovely man/long lost soulmate might deem me worthy of spending our lives together. Do I need to stop having shag buddies?

And this isnt the only change ruminating in my head... Although maybe i should refrain from making life changing decisions whilst doped up on flu meds.

Anyway I should be working now. Amazing how urgent blogging seems when theres work to be done hehehe

*Peace to all - Except a certain Crazy who shall remain unnamed*

Snot sucks

*sniff sniff*

I am feeling so supremely sorry for myself I feel like I should have some violin music following me from the ether. I had to dig my keyboard out from the mountain of snotty tissues (again!) so I could write this post...

I havent been sick like this in YEARS and YEARS. Too sick to smoke !?!?

The worst part is that my mom has got too. And my brother but my mom is the real worry. Her compromised immune system won't be able to handle this .. she says she'll be in hospital by tomorow night.

*sigh* I just want to feel sorry for myself for a while though.

In an ideal world a Concerned Caring Boyfriend would bannish me to bed with a cup of lovingly prepared tea and a magazine. He'll pull out a stash of fun flu medication he lovingly chose from the chemist and feed me snot reducing, fast acting drugs. He'll undress me and put my favouritest softest jammies on while said drugs kick in. "Get some rest my sweet" he will say while tucking me in and cuddling me.

Aaaah well we can all dream yeah :P

On a happy happy note - school holidays are officially over tomorow so the little *$*@ is back to it! WOOHOO

An Ode to my departed Easter Egg stash

Well perhaps the word "stash" is overexaggerating. But i had a decent sized bag of chocolate eggs, bunnies and other assorted chocolate delights. Woke up this morning with brightly coloured wrappings strewn around my bed.

Sat bolt upright trying to figure out what happened to the chocoloates. Then figured it out - that dream i was having about chocolate.... was REAL!

hehehehe - had a good laugh thinking sheesh welll i must really have needed the chocolate. :)

Happy Easter and other short stories

Shew! Easter was crazy.. probably the longest day this gal has seen in a while. Am stoked to have started blogging again to be able to get some of these thoughts down ...

Woke up way to early and got some work done before i was expected to be anywhere. Then had to go and pick up my gran at the old age home, something I was dreading. It makes me so sad to see such a strong woman in such a state. She can't walk at all anymore, she can't talk, she can't even feed herself. Anyway I managed to get her into my car and made the mammoth trek from the home to my dads house. Much comedy ensued as we tried to get my gran from my car into the house. Well tragic comedy.

This easter was strange for several reasons. My mom decided to stay home, which made us all sad because we never know if it's her last easter. My siblings have now finally declared themselves too old to look for eggs :( Well my sister wanted us to hide them so next year i think we can revert back to the easter egg hunt. Had a lovely lunch and had fun with my little boet whom I actually miss terribly when he stays at my dads house. Usual sister and brother fighting exhausted us all and after lunch my dad promptly fell asleep.

By this stage i was completely pooped, and just wanted to have a nap in my own bed with some furry sausages as cuddle companions. Alas.

After i got home i got an eerily well timed call from Al who was pissed and wanting to go out. He had caught me just before I fell asleep. So i'll go for a sundowner and come home to feast on easter egg chocolates before i pass out ~ well it sounded like a great plan.

Went and picked poor drunken Al up, and settled into a comfy spot at my favourite drinking hole. Waiters had a good laugh at my pretty pink dress. "Did you go to church today daaaahling?"

Al spent first part of evening waxing lyrical about his love for me, and vowing to fight for my everlasting love. I think he even proposed to me a few times. He's the opposite of a commitment phobe, which is pretty rare these days.

My Awesome Gal Pal joined us and we three preceded to get mighty drunk. Beer, shooters, southern comfort, wine and more shooters. We even called mr fun.

At some point a raging headache started attacking my temples.

"who are you?"
I am your HEADACHE
"what do you want"
I want you to go home and stop drinking
"i don't wanna, i'm having fun talking shit and drinking beer"
We'll see about that ...

By this stage Awesome Gal Pal was having superdeep heart to heart with bar lady, Al was passed out on a super comfy couch , and i just wanted to go home.

Of course things never go according to plan, Gal Pal got teary and needed plenty hugs and listening to by this stage. I just wanted to go home.

Finally a few hours later we managed to drag her out of there... Drove Al home and promptly passed out. After much moaning about headache of course.

Guess the headache won after all.

And as usual in the light of new day I vow never to drink again. We'll see about that!

*sneaking back onto your screen quietly*

It's been a crazy few months since I last posted. Seems like so much has been happening this blog kind of ... disintegrated while i fell in love, flipped out and dealt with the usual daily trials at home.

I've been dying to blog about it for a while. So i thought i'd give it a bash

J broke up with me a few months ago. i can't believe time has passed so quickly but I guess this is the nature of time. Maybe not a good sign in terms of broken heart recovery because it still feels pretty fresh in my psyche. doesn't help that we have a blossoming friendship based on comfort. Ugh.

The past few months have been spent in quiet reflection of the monstrous fuck up that was our relationship. Very Wise Friend says i shouldnt be spending time with someone who brings me down.. makes me wonder but unfortunately thats the extent of it for now. I'll just wonder for a few more months.

Getting a bit tired of wondering whats wrong with him. A good sign i think. I should have known he was an arsehole when he kicked my dog. yeah you read right - he kicked my dog! (Non debateable criteria for Next Boy: will love my sausages )

Am enjoying being single more than I thought I would/could. It's been strange - single for the first time ... well ever really. Well there was that year at the end of varsity but thats all a bit hazy - does it count as quality single time if you can't remember much of it? I am absolutely loving the freedom of going out and doing what I want WITHOUT APPROVAL. Not half as scary as I envisioned - minus the fear of parallel parking. It seems if I am going to be single for much longer I am going to need to know how to get my car into a parallel spot by myself. I mean really it's ridiculous that I can't.

On the home front things are pretty much the same. Well... Youngest brother has turned 13 and boy is it apparent that puberty is rearing its ugly head in the house. For a while it was tantrums and screaming, the door slamming comes a bit later in the whole equation if I remember correctly? His all-consuming obsession with computer games is somewhat sad to watch. Shouldn't he be playing outside in the sunshine or riding bikes?

My mother has given up on treatment. It's a never ending battle that seems to have been going on for as long as we can remember. Her last round of radiation made her violently ill - scarily so. She started the whole "quality of life" line of thinking again. so now mum is sans evil cancer treatment. She's just pretty tired all the time. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. Wish someone would wave something and make it go away. All these amazing brains on earth and no-ones figured this out? Come on people!

My insomnia has graciously returned while I am completely stressing out about work. Maybe because I have lost 2 whole working days this week to hangover ... am feeling insanely guilt ridden about laziness this week and as a result have vowed to actually spend tomorow (a sunny saturday) indoors chained to my computer.

Will make the beer taste better, and sunday's hangover feel a little more deserved.

hah well not too bad for the first post in ages.. there's loads more but *sigh* guess i will save it for another contemplative/whiny/self indulgent/pensive moment.