trippy shit

I had such a bad nightmare at the end of my sleep today i can't concentrate on work until i get it out....

Of course it was a whole long involved epic, but at the end it started raining really hard. My little brother had to spend the night in hospital and carmen and my mother were going to spend the night there too. I dropped them off at the hospital and went to buy some cigarrettes, and this boy starting flirting with me. He came home with me ~ literally for coffee LOL ~ and we were looking out our kitchen window when i saw my mother, looking rosy cheeked and fiddling with the plants. She turned to me, waved goodbye and walked away.

I thought about it for a while and realized my mom had died in the hospital and had come to say goodbye.

Needless to say i wsa very freaked out when i woke up!

ok there its off my chest****

Kie on the importance of random acts of kindness...

Not to toot my own trumpet but I am usually a pretty nice person. I let people in when stuck in traffic, i smile at people, i am always nice to waiters and i don't use my hooter unless its to avoid an accident. Yesterday i had a profound experience at the grocery store... I realize now, I have completely underestimated how much of an effect i feel from doing nice things for others. And how awful the world really can be...

I don't know - maybe i am too tired to articulate properly. Yeah actually thats exactly it but i am going to keep writing anyway (:P).

So i was in my usual mad rush, 5 million places to be and at least 50 unchecked items on the grand list of things to do that day... i ran back to get some onions and as the clerk was weighing and bagging them i saw a man in a wheelchair, maybe cerebal palsy (sp?) having a light seizure. His few groceries where falling everywhere while he tried to get control of his body, everyone was just walking by and pretending not to notice... oblivious! Not even the store manager, standing right beside him (!) was helping!

I have felt too embarrased to tell anyone, but you know ~ my blog is different.

I helped him pick up his groceries, perched them back on his lap, smiled big and blushed and asked him if he was ok. He gave me this huge smile and said yes. By then my groceries were through the checkout and they were waiting on the onions while watching. I jogged back, paid for the groceries and left.

I felt so good for the rest of the day ~ and even felt the ripples of it today.

A few days earlier i drove past another man in a wheelchair, struggling up a really steep hill. It was peak traffic time and chaotic drivers were just speeding past. I thought 'i really want to stop and push him up that hill', but i didnt. I kept it in the back of my mind and am so stoked that i did in some small way get to do something really nice and unexpected for someone.

Peace ***

How is this possible?

forgive shitty paragraph structure and nonsensical thought processes ~ i dont sleep much anymore

My poor mom is so sick. We took her to the doctor today to get the fluid that is collecting in her liver drained. Nearly 3 litres of green fluid was drained from her body.

She has stopped throwing up at least and is managing to eat some...

But now we have a curious development... she's become really anxious. We had a huge shouting match this evening.. for no reason... i've never seen anything like it.

Amazing how each phase of this whole cancer experience is worse than before.

So many times we have thought ~ wow it cant possibly get any worse. How can one human being possibly get any sicker than this. How can one human being suffer any more than this?

The universe suprises me yet again***

Turbo Vent

Seeing as i have all of five minutes to myself i must vent.

Just some of the things that are pissing me off:

- everything i do is wrong, no matter how hard i try
- my house is a circus show at the moment.
- even tho we supposedly have 'help' , all it means is that i have more people to cook for, clean up after and micro manage.
- suddenly i have been replaced.
- mom is really sick
- school is about to start and that means 6am wakeup calls as of monday
- "we" have a school project that was only given to me today. This of course means i will have to work extra hard to get it done on time GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
- i am completely unappreciated.
- no matter how hard i work, plan and organize, at least 50 things go wrong each day.
- one of my major clients is being a total KNOB
- i have lost all control in the home now, i am just the unpaid servant.
- not only do i now have more work on ALL fronts, I'm getting NO recognition for anything i do or have done.
- friends are scarce when times are tough
- moms friends managed to have a right old piss up here... all afternoon and evening. GREAT.
- dinner was ruined because of said piss up.
- its just after 1 in the morning and i feel to guilty to stay awake and work, and too guilty to go to bed.
- i've managed to complete 2/10 articles today.
- this makes me poor AND useless.

Which i already was anyway so i guess it doesnt matter.

Aint life great.

these tired fingers dont have much left to give

I haven't had much time of my own in the last few weeks, months or years,. There;s always something to be done. I've started feeling sorry for myself, wishing the kids would help out more, but i suppose they arent realizing what is going on here. How do you tell them>>??

Shame my heart breaks when i look at my mom, once so strong and now so weakened. She asked me tonight "what kind of a life is this?" as she had just thrown up all the bits and pieces we managed to get in. I wish i could take all her pain and suffering from her. Make her life easier, fill it with some sunshine and joy.

I've been choking back my tears for too long now. THey are bound to slip out soon....

FOr now i must keep it together, prioritize, and find someone to cuddle me stukkend :)

**peace**

Dinner for One....

Two nights in a row now i have been completely alone. My mom is in the hospital, little Mr T is away on sports camp and sister is staying at dads house. It's soooooo strange! I haven't been alone since varsity. I am completely freaked out by all this silence and free time!!!!

I know there are at least 5 thousand things i could be doing to use this time productively. i've been invited to parties and weddings this weekend and am shrugging it all off. I don't even have the energy to arrange myself a booty call while i can!