The pre-birthday blues hitting hard...

There's just something about this time of year that makes the sheer act of getting out of bed a mammoth undertaking. I'm officially glum.

In 2 days I will turn 28, not an especially significant or remarkable milestone by any account, but somehow yet another ominous step towards the mighty 30 that I so dread.

But the glumness is not only birthday related; that I could still deal with...

I've been missing my mom so much over the past few weeks. It started the week before Mother's day when the youngest attended his first formal school dance. My eyes well up a bit at the thought, even now weeks later. We shopped for a formal shirt, tie and even suit pants made the rounds in the changerooms. Every time he stepped out I choked back tears thinking of how mom would've loved this moment. Lil one all grown up.

Lil one is having too many milestones for me to keep up with these days. Each one bringing fresh loads of tears and sadness and longing for mom.

The longing for mom was unbearable over mothers day this year. Can't put my finger on why this mothers day hit harder than the ones before. 3 years since you passed and i still miss yu every day mom.

Every day.

Life around here is tough. Things haven't gotten any easier. Sisterling has been stealing food, badly it seems. I can't tell you how much guilt that induces. I should've locked the kitchen, I should've been keeping a closer eye on her. See I spent most of the weekend supporting brotherling at his sporting events, unable to be in two places at once poor sisterling was left alone for too long. It's all just so difficult to explain sjoe.

I'm just overwhelmed most of the time, overwhelmed, exhausted and gatvol of struggling and fighting.

But the glum-indicing reasons don't stop there. I had kind of convinced myself that moaning was NOT the way forward and that I would plaster a smile upon my face and act happy until I damn well felt it; but the gods were conspiring against me.

You see my romantic life was one arena that seemed to finally be coming together. Hooked up with a most Delicious and Divine man a few weeks ago and had been having the most awesome flirtations and butterfly-inducing encounters. Finally feeling the warmth and love that only a wonderful man IN your life can bring.

Until my ex decided to start messaging me. He's feeling better and is on the road to recovery it seems, so much healthier that he has apologized for his behaviour and expressed remorse and regret and all the things I needed so badly for him to express 3 months ago. He wants me to join him in Spain for a holiday so we can talk and find closure. Not sure if I added that or he did but it's all just so mighty confusing. Do I go to spain and find closure at the risk of losing Mr Divine? Or do I chalk the ex's bad behaviour down to sheer douchery and move forward?

So here I sit, on the cusp of yet another fucking birthday, trapped in my life, confused and so glum i am struggling to function.

Ridiculous? I have no idea but writing it all out helped a bit!

Painkillers are my tic tacs

As usual, I only came here to moan briefly before returning to the rest of my evening. My back is so sore I want to chop it off and just attach my arms and head to my ass.

I have a few articles left to write still before I can drift off, and am finding it very hard to concentrate! I have a looooong exhausting day tomorrow, i need rest and I need to flippen finish these articles!

A sonnet to my current misery:
moan moan moan,
grumble
moan moan
whine
moan moan moan



Aaah that feels a bit better, thanks for listening ;)

trippy shit

I had such a bad nightmare at the end of my sleep today i can't concentrate on work until i get it out....

Of course it was a whole long involved epic, but at the end it started raining really hard. My little brother had to spend the night in hospital and carmen and my mother were going to spend the night there too. I dropped them off at the hospital and went to buy some cigarrettes, and this boy starting flirting with me. He came home with me ~ literally for coffee LOL ~ and we were looking out our kitchen window when i saw my mother, looking rosy cheeked and fiddling with the plants. She turned to me, waved goodbye and walked away.

I thought about it for a while and realized my mom had died in the hospital and had come to say goodbye.

Needless to say i wsa very freaked out when i woke up!

ok there its off my chest****

Kie on the importance of random acts of kindness...

Not to toot my own trumpet but I am usually a pretty nice person. I let people in when stuck in traffic, i smile at people, i am always nice to waiters and i don't use my hooter unless its to avoid an accident. Yesterday i had a profound experience at the grocery store... I realize now, I have completely underestimated how much of an effect i feel from doing nice things for others. And how awful the world really can be...

I don't know - maybe i am too tired to articulate properly. Yeah actually thats exactly it but i am going to keep writing anyway (:P).

So i was in my usual mad rush, 5 million places to be and at least 50 unchecked items on the grand list of things to do that day... i ran back to get some onions and as the clerk was weighing and bagging them i saw a man in a wheelchair, maybe cerebal palsy (sp?) having a light seizure. His few groceries where falling everywhere while he tried to get control of his body, everyone was just walking by and pretending not to notice... oblivious! Not even the store manager, standing right beside him (!) was helping!

I have felt too embarrased to tell anyone, but you know ~ my blog is different.

I helped him pick up his groceries, perched them back on his lap, smiled big and blushed and asked him if he was ok. He gave me this huge smile and said yes. By then my groceries were through the checkout and they were waiting on the onions while watching. I jogged back, paid for the groceries and left.

I felt so good for the rest of the day ~ and even felt the ripples of it today.

A few days earlier i drove past another man in a wheelchair, struggling up a really steep hill. It was peak traffic time and chaotic drivers were just speeding past. I thought 'i really want to stop and push him up that hill', but i didnt. I kept it in the back of my mind and am so stoked that i did in some small way get to do something really nice and unexpected for someone.

Peace ***

How is this possible?

forgive shitty paragraph structure and nonsensical thought processes ~ i dont sleep much anymore

My poor mom is so sick. We took her to the doctor today to get the fluid that is collecting in her liver drained. Nearly 3 litres of green fluid was drained from her body.

She has stopped throwing up at least and is managing to eat some...

But now we have a curious development... she's become really anxious. We had a huge shouting match this evening.. for no reason... i've never seen anything like it.

Amazing how each phase of this whole cancer experience is worse than before.

So many times we have thought ~ wow it cant possibly get any worse. How can one human being possibly get any sicker than this. How can one human being suffer any more than this?

The universe suprises me yet again***