There's just something about this time of year that makes the sheer act of getting out of bed a mammoth undertaking. I'm officially glum.
In 2 days I will turn 28, not an especially significant or remarkable milestone by any account, but somehow yet another ominous step towards the mighty 30 that I so dread.
But the glumness is not only birthday related; that I could still deal with...
I've been missing my mom so much over the past few weeks. It started the week before Mother's day when the youngest attended his first formal school dance. My eyes well up a bit at the thought, even now weeks later. We shopped for a formal shirt, tie and even suit pants made the rounds in the changerooms. Every time he stepped out I choked back tears thinking of how mom would've loved this moment. Lil one all grown up.
Lil one is having too many milestones for me to keep up with these days. Each one bringing fresh loads of tears and sadness and longing for mom.
The longing for mom was unbearable over mothers day this year. Can't put my finger on why this mothers day hit harder than the ones before. 3 years since you passed and i still miss yu every day mom.
Every day.
Life around here is tough. Things haven't gotten any easier. Sisterling has been stealing food, badly it seems. I can't tell you how much guilt that induces. I should've locked the kitchen, I should've been keeping a closer eye on her. See I spent most of the weekend supporting brotherling at his sporting events, unable to be in two places at once poor sisterling was left alone for too long. It's all just so difficult to explain sjoe.
I'm just overwhelmed most of the time, overwhelmed, exhausted and gatvol of struggling and fighting.
But the glum-indicing reasons don't stop there. I had kind of convinced myself that moaning was NOT the way forward and that I would plaster a smile upon my face and act happy until I damn well felt it; but the gods were conspiring against me.
You see my romantic life was one arena that seemed to finally be coming together. Hooked up with a most Delicious and Divine man a few weeks ago and had been having the most awesome flirtations and butterfly-inducing encounters. Finally feeling the warmth and love that only a wonderful man IN your life can bring.
Until my ex decided to start messaging me. He's feeling better and is on the road to recovery it seems, so much healthier that he has apologized for his behaviour and expressed remorse and regret and all the things I needed so badly for him to express 3 months ago. He wants me to join him in Spain for a holiday so we can talk and find closure. Not sure if I added that or he did but it's all just so mighty confusing. Do I go to spain and find closure at the risk of losing Mr Divine? Or do I chalk the ex's bad behaviour down to sheer douchery and move forward?
So here I sit, on the cusp of yet another fucking birthday, trapped in my life, confused and so glum i am struggling to function.
Ridiculous? I have no idea but writing it all out helped a bit!
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